Wednesday 27 August 2014

The Boots On The Other Foot...

Have you ever been in a situation and thought "I wish you could just be me for a while so you could understand what it's like and I wouldnt have to try to find the words to explain."? I have. When I had PND I thought this several times, especially with my husband. I could see him trying to understand my garbled explanation of how I felt, having no idea what I was on about. It was tough for both of us. Well, seems like Ive got my wish...

My husband started on his antidepressants three weeks ago and to say its been tough is an understatment. It would be a lot easier to cope with if I wasn't fighting my own personal war with the shadows too.

I am seeing it from his side now. Watching him stare at the wall, knowing there is no way to reach him. The detachment from our everyday life, the random statements, the tiredness, the short temper and irrational behaviour. It's strange being on the recieving end of it all.

At the same time, he doesnt have to explain because I know. Obviously, if he does want to talk I'm here to listen but I can avoid all the questions that don't help, the ones that you don't have the answers to. The ones that remind you things aren't quite right. Having said that,  I have forgotten a few times and remembered the second the words have left my mouth. I am sorry for all those times.

It is incredibly hard knowing how he feels but also not reacting to it. Sometimes his lack of response is the hardest to cope with. I mentioned last night that I had been to the Drs but he didn't ask what was said. I said I was taking Chaos to the Drs today but he didn't say anything about that either. Instead he told me about the days sales figures at work. After that we just talked about the programme we were watching on tv. Safe ground.
As much as I understand some of the things he's going through,  it doesn't make it any easier to cope with. Especially as I am teetering on the edge of the abyss myself.

After talking to the Dr yesterday, we decided to try to avoid antidepressants before having the baby but start them as soon as she is born and take them for the first three months as a preventative. We both felt it would be better to do that rather than wait until I hit a low then wait several weeks for them to have an effect. I feel quite happy with that decision. I am still continuing to see her every week to monitor my mood, just in case things get really bad.

I know it will take time and he will be back soon but I really miss him. I miss having someone to share things with, to take an interest in preparing for the baby, to talk things through with, to help make decisions. I'm definitely feeling the weight of our world on my shoulders!

5 weeks today and our Tilly bean will be here!

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