Today, was one of those days that made me realise how important certain things are and how much I had neglected them. During a conversation with my husband, he said he no longer felt the same way about me and wanted to end our marriage.
Breathless. Heart stopping. Mind blowing. Incomprehensible.
I felt like I had been punched under the ribs. I couldn't breathe. I'm sure I felt my heart rip in two. What? How? How could this be? All of a sudden, how did we get to this point? My head was spinning.
I knew things were tough but how did we land up here? We love each other don't we. Don't we? Surely, if you love each other then nothing else matters. You can overcome any obstacle, right? Right?!
I didn't know how we would make it through all this stuff but I just believed that somehow we would. Like some blind faith that somehow we would come through all of this and be a family again. Could I really have been that wrong?
Suddenly the future stretched out in front of me, seemingly endless, flat and grey. All the plans and ideas we had made weren't there any more. Suddenly I had a blank future. A void. Nothingness. How would I cope on my own? On my own, forever? The future looked bleak at best.
I decided to call him. I couldn't work out how he had gone from "I love you" to "I don't love you anymore" in such a short time. I'm really glad I rang. He is just as stressed out about all this as I am. He is struggling with not being at home at all. He's missing us all, in every way. He's struggling without his family. I have been so caught up in looking after the boys and working that I only saw all the things he didn't have to do. I didn't see the struggles that he has been going through too. We haven't spent any time talking about what we are going through, just working out the details of the next visit or how the boys are. We have totally neglected our relationship. It has nearly ended us. But not quite...
We are going to spend the next month on rebuilding Us, then see where we are. We start counselling this week and we are planning a couple of date nights too. I couldn't believe this was be the end of us and I still can't. I'm not giving up without a fight. I know I will never feel this way about anyone else so I'm not letting go of him easily. He is my husband and I love him with all my heart.