I know I have been saying I will try to stay positive but I am really struggling this week.
I feel like I am in limbo.
Everything is just the same but nothing feels the same.
I feel detached from everything, like I'm watching life carrying on around me.
I have never felt like this before.
I don't have much of an appetite except for chocolate bourbons.
I could sleep for days on end and still have no energy.
I have no desire to do anything other than read my book and cuddle my babies.
I haven't even cried until I started to write this.
Is this normal? Is it ok? I'm finding it really hard that this huge loss has happened to me and nobody else in my house knew her well enough to grieve too. It's like a secret that only I know. I'm carrying it around with me trying not to let it spill over onto everyone else. I just want a hug from someone who misses her too. Someone who understands how different things are. Someone who knows that the world is a slightly lesser place to be now one of the leading ladies has gone.
I want to cry and wail and stamp my feet and scream that it's not fair. This should never have to happen. Not now, not to me, not to anyone EVER! It hurts too much and I don't like it. There aren't plasters or biscuits big enough to make it better.
The thing that stops me from doing all those things is knowing that this was what she wanted. She didn't want to leave her house a year ago. She didn't want to be a burden to anyone, she was too independent. She didn't want to be left behind after my Grandad had gone (and she was mad at him for going first!).
She was never one for sitting around so I can't imagine her resting up. She would be bustling about cutting the grass and re-potting flowers, hoovering and making tea for everyone. It wasn't that long ago she broke her hip collecting the windfall apples in her garden so she wont be resting on her laurels. I would imagine Grandad would have got an earful and then they would be off somewhere to walk their little black dog...