Today is a Jelly Day... Day 30

We had the most amazing day yesterday at Longleat Safari Park! The weather was gorgeous and I felt truly spoilt  We drove round the safari park at a leisurely pace. A bit too leisurely in the monkey enclosure! (We need a new washer jet and ariel)

Reasons To Be Cheerful #2

Wow what a week!

4 Whole Weeks! Progress so far... Day 28

I finished my first pack of pills today and feel it is something of a milestone in my rocky journey. I can't believe it has been that long already. Each day has been so different. Some have been almost "normal" while others have been a complete nightmare. If you have been following me I hope you have found it helpful to know you're not alone. Keep going, it's worth it!

Choosday... Day 27

Today I woke up with the usual, Oh God it's morning already, feeling. I must try to go to bed earlier tonight. I'm getting fed up of being shattered all the time and it's not helping me fight this thing either. It's also a bit boring typing the same thing on here every day, so it must be the same reading it. Oh surprise, she's tired again!!

Monday is a Fun-day! Day 26

I'm trying to be positive, can you tell?? I'm going to pretend that I'm not completely shattered and on the down slide again, just to see if it works. If it's all in the mind it should be a doddle I reckon, as there is not much else going on up there at the moment ha ha!!

That's Corporal to You! Day 23

Portsmouth, here we come!  I drove down with the boys in the afternoon and managed to get the timing right to arrive at the same time as my husband, perfect! I got a bit lost at the end, the boys were complaining they were hungry, I was tired and starting to get a bit panicky.

Reasons To Be Cheerful #1

I have just read about a blog hop where people write 3 reasons to be cheerful every Thursday. I am trying to find out how to join it but until I do I thought I would write mine anyway! I'd love to hear yours too so put them in the comment box and spread some cheerfulness! :) xx


1. My wonderful family. I have an amazing husband who is also my best friend (most of the time!). My gorgeous boys who all have amazing qualities. Last but not least, my girl. My partner in grime, the big fat, fat dog! She is always there.


2. The sunshine!! You can't be miserable when it's sunny outside, it's impossible! Everything is ok when it's sunny. You can't beat a walk in the country when the sun is shining.


3. I am off to Portsmouth today to see my lovely friend graduate into the RAF police tomorrow. Although I will miss her madly, I am also so proud that she has achieved what she set out to do and with such bloody style! Best of the best, lovely lady, and don't you forget it!! xx

Morning Madness.... (Day 22)

Today just goes to prove it doesn't matter how much you plan something you can't control the variables. They always have other ideas! Those variables are my lovely boys...

21..... Hours Til We Leave ARGH!!!

What a bloody nightmare! None of us had a good night last night. The horrible thumping pain is back behind my right eye and I've got the weird sweats again. Today has not gone smoothly at all. In fact it's been quite stressful to say the least!

20.... Tons of Poooooo

Not feeling so great today. It would be so much better if I could just gradually improve a bit every day. I'm finding it really hard having a great couple of days just to be hit with a pants one. I'm in yoyo recovery and it sucks, like a granny with no teeth!!

Monday.... Day 19

Yawn.... I thought I would write this in the evening so I could tell you about the whole day but now I'm thinking it may not have been such a great idea. I just want to sleep and it's not even 8.30pm!! I feel pathetic that I get so tired but in the evenings I really just can't keep my eyes open. Today is a bit different though...

Weekender.... (17 and 18)

Wow... what a weekend! Our night out, Our 3rd Wedding Anniversary AND Mothers Day!!

16 tears... and the rest!

I just want to cry today and I have. Several times. I can't bloody do this every day, it's too much. Sometimes it's like groundhog day every day. I wake up in the morning and think "oh shit, here we go again." I feel so pathetic, that I can't just get on with it like everyone else.  The trouble is, after last weekend, I have made plans and now I don't think I'll have the energy for any of it.

15 shadows and counting.....

Sigh.... Here we go again. Today I'm feeling quite dizzy when I stand up which isn't great and I feel like I could do with at least another week of sleep. I keep yawning a lot which seems to drain my energy even more. I have also noticed that for the last few days I have been forgetting to take my tablet. Don't panic, I have taken them, just not til a few hours later. Odd.....

2 Whole Weeks.....

Somehow, I managed to crawl through the rest of the day yesterday. I don't know how exactly but I did it. I had forgotten I had arranged another session of the Metamorphic Technique with my therapist friend for that evening. It was perfect timing, as I really needed it and it's always lovely to see her.

Day 13..... Unlucky for me

I'm not sure what's happening today. I am having the usual cold sweat but when my husband and the Big One left this morning I had an overwhelming feeling of not being able to cope again. The day seems too vast to get through and I don't feel like I'm going to make it. I'm getting the shakes and really don't feel good.

Monday again.... (day 12)

Where to start....

My mate came up on Saturday as planned. We went into town after picking him up from the station. I wanted to buy a new top for me and get some photos done. I decided to put an album together for my friend who is leaving for Cyprus. I was fine going round town, even though it was Saturday! I even managed a weekly shop in Asda without panicking, which was definitely progress for me.

And on the 9th Day....

I was surprised that I felt a little guilty for not posting on here yesterday. I'm not sure if it was guilt or a bit of disappointment for not finding the time to do it. This has become a sort of daily therapy so I can look back and see how I'm improving. I suppose I feel like I skipped a session..... Naughty!

A Whole Week.....

Wow what a night. I thought I'd be really sensible and go to bed at 9.30pm I slept like a log for two hours then kept waking up almost every hour.

Struggling on day 6

I'm really struggling today. I'm not feeling too anxious about things today which is great. The problem is I feel totally shattered all the time. If I sit down for more than 5 minutes I start to fall asleep. It's like I have to fight to stay awake all the time.

Monday :( Day 5

I felt rather dazed when I woke up today. I was quite nervous about my friend coming as she hasn't seen me like this before. I usually stay at home if I'm not feeling great so it was quite a big step for me. I had a quick shower and some toast before taking the boys and the dog for a walk before she arrived. She is wonderful and put me at ease straight away. Brought home made soup made from her own veggies so I was thoroughly spoilt. The MT was wonderful and very relaxing. Its a shame I couldn't just go to bed after she left, I was shattered! Both the boys woke up after she had gone so I got them ready and we went into town as I had to go to the bank. We came home picking the Big One up on the way. I also stopped off to get some petrol so quite a brave day for me in the end. I just wish these pills didn't make me feel so rough in the morning or tired all day! I do feel much calmer and everyone is more relaxed now I'm not suddenly shouting about things!

Had some other good news that another lovely friend has not been posted to Afghanistan :) am so relieved, She's only little and I'd worry about her very muchly! She is off to sunny Cyprus instead so happy days!

I think I am meeting up with another friend tomorrow so I'm going to head off to bed now. I really need sleep! Hope I'm ok tomorrow....

Day 3 and 4

Sunny Saturday...

I didn't have a great night last night. I woke up at 1.30am and couldn't get back to sleep so I wrote a couple of pages on here about my anxiety and PND (I would love to know what you think) which seemed to do the trick so I climbed back into bed about 4am. zzzzzzzzz
I asked my husband yesterday if he had noticed any difference since I started on the ADs and he thought I have been a lot calmer. I asked my Dad the same thing and he agreed that I seemed more relaxed. I feel slightly sedated, if I'm honest. It's a bit like physically and mentally wading through custard (I don't like treacle!). I feel like I'm a bit slow and no my usual sharp-witted self, HA!
Feeling more tired than usual today so I took myself off for a little lie down and slept in a log like fashion for about an hour, which was BLISS! I don't feel like sleeping in the day is a waste of time so much now, it's more of a necessity. I think over the last week I have changed my opinion of a few things. I was obsessed with housework (not that you could tell!). If I got up in the night to feed Squish, I would put the washing on the airer or fold the dry things up to save me time in the day. Quite mad really looking back. No wonder I'm in a mess now!! This week I have washed up first thing and put a couple of loads of washing on but that's it. No, I still haven't finished cleaning the bathroom and that was Mondays job!! It's ok though. We are all still alive. We haven't been struck down by some rare bacteria usually only found in landfill sites. The world, to my knowledge, is still spinning. Everything, it would seem, is just the same, just maybe a little more fluffy. The best thing... I'm not feeling guilty about it. Ok, well maybe just a smidge but I am only human!!

Rainy Sunday....

I think I'm going to go back to bed when Chaos has his sleep. I'm so tired and a bit shaky so I don't think I'll manage a whole day without a nap sometime! My husband was working last night so I went to bed about midnight after dosing on the sofa. He got home about 2.30am then Squish woke up about 3.30 and took about an hour to settle back down. Chaos woke up just as I was getting into bed at 5.00am, so I made him some milk and he settled down again. He was awake again at 7am so I brought him downstairs so my husband could catch up on some sleep. On days like today I wonder how I am ever going to get better if I don't get to catch up on some sleep at some point. It doesn't help when these pills are making me drowsy so I feel like I'm half asleep most of the time. I was told that would wear off, I really hope so! On the plus side, I'm not getting so annoyed like I used to. I don't think I have shouted or been stressed since I started taking them which is good for me!
Chaos strikes again... He won't sleep even though he's shattered and keeps putting his hand over his mouth so I'm guessing his teeth are causing him problems again. He has been crying and whining all morning. I better finish this later as Squish is waking up for a feed and my shattered husband can't cope with both of them today!

It's just dawned on me... It's Monday again tomorrow. I hate Mondays! It means I have another 5 days to cope with before I can spend 2 with my husband. Everything is so much better when he's around. I can cope with doing things that would normally make me anxious, like going out! I don't like to say things like that as I worry it might put more pressure on him and he has enough to worry about already I think!

I have just remembered a friend is coming round tomorrow to do Metamorphic Technique. It will be nice to relax for an hour. I just really hope the boys are quiet long enough for me to enjoy it! She is coming when Chaos normally goes to bed so fingers crossed eh?! Here is a link to the association website if you want to know more. www.metamorphicassociation.org/ I was a practitioner before I had the boys. I enjoyed meeting new people and helping them relax. Maybe I could start up again when I'm feeling a bit better.

This is a photo I took at London Zoo in January. I love taking pictures but no one ever sees them. I thought maybe I could start a blog just for my pictures and link it to this one. Some of them are quite good. This one is ok but it was taking through glass so it has a bit of a reflection down the side. I would love to hear your comments about this or anything else on the blog. I feel a bit like I'm writing to the great unknown at the moment! 


Happy Sunday peeps. Relax a lot, laugh a lot and stay out of the shadows!

Day 2: Thank Crunchie its Friday!!

Friday! At last. Feels like it's been a long time coming this week. Its funny how the days are the same length but some whizz past in the blink of an eye but others seem to take forever to pass.

Ugh... Day 1

I saw the Dr yesterday. Luckily, I had seen him before so it wasn't too difficult to talk to him. I showed him the list I had written and he said they were all symptoms of stress, anxiety and post natal depression. He has given me Citalopram which he said is very effective in treating post natal depression and anxiety. He did say one of the initial side effects was anxiety so I have a low dose of Diazapam in case it does make my anxiety worse. He also said I should get in touch with my health visitor as I don't have any regular support other than my husband. I have to go back in 3 weeks once the pills have had a chance to start working.